


blame oneself (could we start again?)

by seodoszn



Category: ONEUS (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Getting Back Together, Insecurity, M/M, Post-Break Up, Self-Doubt, Seoho is Bad at Feelings, geonhak just wanna know why, hwanwoong and dongju best emotional support boys, mention of infidelity, side xiwoong
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-23
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:42:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26616916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seodoszn/pseuds/seodoszn
Summary: He knows. He is perfectly aware that his action hurt the only person he swore he would protect from everything that could hurt him. He technically doesn’t break his promise. He just never knew that the one who would hurt him was the same person who would fall in love with him too.
Relationships: Kim Geonhak | Leedo/Lee Seoho
Comments: 4
Kudos: 40





	1. ## 1

**Author's Note:**

> aaaaa this has been sitting on my draft for months and i finally have the courage to post it. so seodo nation, here is the daily cup of angst for you<3 not really angsty in the beginning but it gets better (i hope)
> 
> and please leave comments too^^ it would be nice<3

Reminiscing memories can be a pain sometimes and Lee Seoho is prone to it.

Maybe the five years after he left hasn’t even ended at all. All he remembers when he first steps his foot in Korea is the voicemail he got five years ago right on the departure gate. A voicemail that haunted him in his sleep, playing in his mind like a broken record. Reliving the moments he had with a figure that’s imprisoned in his brain. All while feeling like he’s opening old wounds in the middle of his heart.

Seoho likes to have a shortcut to everything. He thought that if he ends things right away, he would have plenty of time to heal and forget. He thought that it would be just another heartbreak. The heartbreak any living person had gone through once.

But any living person’s heartbreak isn’t _him_.

He knows. He is perfectly aware that his action hurt the only person he swore he would protect from everything that could hurt him. He technically doesn’t break his promise. He just never knew that the one who would hurt him was the same person who would fall in love with him too.

***

Seoho stares at his watch. Hwanwoong said it’s going to take a while because of traffic to Incheon is exceptionally crowded today. Seoho understands. He needs time to actually convince himself that he is really back to his homeland now anyway. No more England unpredictable weather, no more college, no more thesis, no more counting the days until he is back to where he starts.

He roams around the arrival terminal, looking at some shops to kill time. He doesn’t particularly look for anything but when he walks past a doll shop, he catches a glimpse of something. A little chick doll. His mind almost immediately points to that one person he used to tease so much about looking like a chick. He then wonders how the person would react if he sees that now. Would he react the same way as he did or he grows to hate it?

Seoho feels his phone vibrates. Hwanwoong sends him a message that he’s already on the parking lot. He immediately rushes to the gate to find Hwanwoong.

Seoho arrives at the outside not even 2 minutes later. The petite blonde guy he knows too well waves his arms while shouting, “Seoho hyung! Here!”

The red-haired older guy smiles and walks toward him. Hwanwoong flings his body to Seoho’s open arms. “Glad you make it safe. I was worried when you said the flight was delayed yesterday.”

“It was only for a few hours. It happens all the time. You’re here all alone? Where’s your puppy?”

“Puppy –hyung you should really drop it. He’s not _anyone_ ’s puppy, he’s Dongju.”

“He surely acts like one when he’s around you,” Seoho says with a teasing smile.

Hwanwoong only rolls his eyes at Seoho. “He has a casting schedule today. He really works hard for this one because he likes the screenwriter.” Hwanwoong explains.

“And you ditched him for me? How could you do that to your boyfriend?” Seoho clicks his tongue in disappointed manner.

“I dropped him earlier today before I picked you up. No way will I put you above him.” They both laugh. “Will you crash at my apartment or go straight to your apartment?” Hwanwoong asks as he put the last luggage into his trunk.

“Will it be okay if I crash at yours? I’m not ready to settle alone again after 12 hours of flight.”

“You managed to be alone for five whole years, why can’t you do it again?”

Seoho shakes his head at his younger friend's antics. “Always so touché, Yeo Hwanwoong.”

Silence consumes the air between them as Hwanwoong starts to drive. Seoho is ready to get some eye shut when Hwanwoong speaks.

“He moved out earlier this month.”

Seoho doesn’t need to know who Hwanwoong refers to. He already knew. “Oh.”

“Just that? _Oh_?”

“How should I react? I didn’t recall I asked.” Seoho responds absentmindedly.

Hwanwoong let out a laugh in disbelief. “At least pretend and ask where he moved. I didn’t know you can become so cold. He used to be our friends too.” He half whispers the last part as he doesn’t want to make this into longer argument. His closest hyung just got back from a long flight and he doesn’t need to burden him with petty argument.

Seoho sighs quietly. _Cold_. He gets that a lot from anybody who hasn’t known him for long. But it hits differently when someone who knows him inside out tells him that exact word. It feels like a slap to wake him from his nonsense. He knows he’s being unreasonably cold toward that topic. To others, at least, he’s unreasonable. But it’s better that way, or so he thinks.

He looks out the window. He stares at the Korea’s sky that he doesn’t know he would miss. “Where’d he move?”

Hwanwoong is taken aback. He doesn’t expect Seoho to ask after the way he responded earlier. “Dongdaemun-gu. It’s near his studio. He moved in with his… partner.” Seoho lifts his left eyebrow because that’s the same area he will live in but he doesn’t object.

Hwanwoong slightly regrets telling it. He doesn’t take Seoho’s feeling into consideration even though Seoho may look like he’s unbothered by it. “I was going to tell you before but I think it slipped my mind. Sorry.”

Seoho just smiles. “No need. It’s not your place to tell anyway.”

“Still.” Hwanwoong sighs, feeling uneasy. “He barely told anyone. I only found out when he was taking out his last box. He said he was too busy to even tell anyone but I know it’s just an excuse.”

Seoho just nods hearing Hwanwoong rants. Hwanwoong must feel very disappointed because he is the one who works very hard to glue back their friendships, even though they could never go back to the way it was. Seoho wants to tell that it’s okay to let go of someone who seems to want to go so bad but it would be very cowardly of him, so he holds himself back.

Instead Seoho asks Hwanwoong, “How about we go to the naengmyeon place behind our school, they’re still in business right? Summer makes me craving naengmyeon more than ever.”

Hwanwoong feels a little relieved Seoho is changing the topic. “Yes of course. Anywhere you want, _hyung-nim_.” He said, teasingly.

***

“Your apartment looks the same, why don’t you redecorate it?” Seoho comments as soon as he steps his foot in Hwanwoong’s apartment. Not even the wallpaper has changed. It feels like one of those days where he crashed in his apartment after class just to get a quick nap.

Hwanwoong rolls his eyes. “Some people are too busy to even think of redecorating.” He responds.

“But you can at least change the placement of the furniture, you really are a sloth–” Seoho’s words are cut off by loud scream by none other than –

“SEOHO HYUNG!!” Dongju peeks out from the other room and running into Seoho, almost knocks him off.

“Ouch, the big puppy is now grown up.” Seoho laughs and then shrieks when he feels Dongju pinches his arm.

“You’re still mean as ever. Thought England has changed you a little bit better.”

“Ah, aren’t you grateful I’m still the same, though. Just say you miss me teasing you, huh.” Dongju sticks his tongue out. “Never. Well, don’t you bring anything for your favorite _dongsaeng_ here?” Dongju pouts.

“Seoho hyung rarely gives you any gift for your birthday, what do you expect, Dongju?” Hwanwoong butts in.

“Hey, it’s because I’m overseas so I don’t have a chance to give you anything. Of course I have something for you Dongju. Wait a second,” Seoho rummages his jacket’s pockets as if he’s searching for something but then he holds out his thumb and pointer to make out a finger heart. Much expected.

“I hate you.” Dongju says it with flat tone. Seoho laughs it off as if he’s done the best prank ever. He drops his body on the nearest sofa he can reach.

“Seriously, don’t ever believe in Seoho hyung.” Hwanwoong shakes his head at his hyung silliness. “You’ll never get anything even if you bow to him a hundred times. Just wait until he is generous enough.”

Seoho gapes his mouth and looks so (fake) offended. Seoho shakes his head and says, “Why are you so against me like that, is this how my first welcoming going to be? You’re all mean.”

“Welcoming? You just settle yourself here like it’s your own home ever since college. I can’t forget the time when you brought an injured squirrel you found on your way after class into my house and looking so worried like it was your own son.”

“And you let me.” Seoho shrugs, “It was in pain, I couldn’t just left it there knowing it’s hurting.” Seoho reasons.

“You know you could just brought it to vet –ah never mind. Who knows what’s going on in your head anyway?” Hwanwoong gives up trying to argue with Seoho. Seoho only laughs light-heartedly.

“Well, how about today’s schedule, Dongju? Did you pass the audition? What role are you applying?” Seoho tries to change the topic before it gets into a never-ending petty arguments between them.

Dongju hums as he is nonchalantly scrolling through his phone. “Um, not bad but not that good either. I was applying for a pretty key role in this movie but not the lead, um, second lead? I don’t know if it’s impressive enough though.”

Hearing the hopelessness in his tone, Seoho sits beside Dongju on the sofa and rubs his shoulder. “I’m sure you did well. You’re one of the most talented actors I know and you’re a hot topic too nowadays, you know?”

Dongju looks at Seoho skeptically. “Since when you’re watching the news, especially entertainment news?”

“I have social media, you brat. Pursuing degree didn’t mean that I’m behind of everything that happens in the world.”

“Oh yeah I know. But you never use social media that often if we’re not the ones who reach out to you first.”

Dongju has always been so straightforward to anyone. He doesn’t mean anything ill to him, Seoho knows that. But he can’t lie if it doesn’t take him aback. He’s been called out for his behavior many times before this but that’s just how he is. He wants to give explanations but in the end he will just make it more complicated for people to understand so he just leaves it be. And again, he does this.

Seoho relieves a heavy sigh. He is too tired for now and it is not long before he fades out to blackness.

It is almost eight in the evening when Hwanwoong shakes him up to wake. He says the dinner is ready and Seoho opens his eyes in shock because since when does Hwanwoong learn how to cook?

“I can’t cook for the life of me. I just ordered _sundubu jiggae_ and other side dishes. _Sundubu jiggae_ is still your favorite right?” he says it proudly as he takes off the lid from the food container.

“Ah, Yeo Hwanwoong if you keep doing this I’ll just give you the crown of being my favorite dongsaeng. Of course it is still my favorite. They’re irreplaceable,” says Seoho while he is taking out his chopsticks and sitting on the dinner table.

Dongju is not staying for the night and Seoho feels bad for it, thinking it was because of him but Hwanwoong reassures him it’s because he need to be early tomorrow for another schedule. “Why don’t you just move in with him?” Seoho asks the younger.

Hwanwoong gets flustered at the sudden question. He clears his throat before answering. “We’re both busy with our own things. We can manage this way and we’re comfortable enough. And moving in together will give a whole other meaning to our relationship you know. I don’t think it will be necessary for now,” he explains.

Seoho nods slowly as he chews on his food. He can understand a thing or two about taking a relationship to a new level. Even though he never ended up doing it, he gave it a lot of thought before everything that happened.

“Maybe… someday. When we’re sure about the exact time to settle everything in. It’s too early to think about it now,” Hwanwoong says, hopeful.

Seoho smiles and continues to eat.

***

The dinner went great. Hwanwoong kept filling him up with the stories he missed out for the last five years. Seoho realizes that he has so much to catch up on. Start from the teacher that once tutored him in science club ended up marrying the physical education teacher, Hwanwoong gets promoted as the vice head of his dance studio, Dongmyeong –Dongju’s twin is currently on tour with his band, and many more.

The life he left here in Seoul are changing fast right in front of his eyes without him being able to stop it. That’s why he couldn’t risk of being too selfish of just one thing. He always wants people to be moving forward without putting too much time on him. He couldn’t bear the thought of regrets the people who realize they had regretted their choices on him would have. It would break him so much to the core.

Seoho lies awake on the guest room’s bed. His phone screen shows that it’s a little past midnight. The fatigue from jet lag hasn’t worn off even though he already took a nap earlier. He then decides to watch some shows on his phone. In the middle of scrolling, he gets a notification of an incoming message.

 **_Keonhee_ ** _: Hyung, you’re back??  
 **Keonhee** : how dare you not tell me?!_

 **Seoho** : a hi would be sufficient

 **_Keonhee_ ** _: i can do what i want  
 **Keonhee** : don’t differ from the topic, aren’t you supposed to be coming in 2 weeks?_

 **Seoho** : last minute change. The company that hires me wants me in next week so  
 **Seoho** : yeah

 **_Keonhee_ ** _: oh  
 **Keonhee** : Then I need to reschedule the reservation_

 **Seoho** : what reservation?

 **_Keonhee_ ** _: your welcoming party_

 **Seoho** : am I invited

 **_Keonhee_ ** _: are u a dumbass_

 **Seoho** : I never said yes to a welcoming party so im not invited. yay

 **_Keonhee_ ** _: it was scheduled for Friday in your supposed to be second week of working but it seems too far away so im changing it to tomorrow_

 **Seoho** : seriously you don’t need to. I don’t need a welcoming party. I just had it with hwanwoong

 **_Keonhee_ ** _: you just had dinner_

 **Seoho** : exactly. That’s enough of a party for me  
 **Seoho** : plus I’m still jet lag do you not really have a heart

 **_Keonhee_ ** _: you can sleep until Sunday idc  
 **Keonhee** : we all miss you  
 **Keonhee** : don’t you wanna see my handsome face too_

 **Seoho** : shut up I see you on every billboard in every corner in Seoul

**_Keonhee_ ** _: that’s not what I mean, asshole_   
_**Keonhee** : I’ll text u the details tomorrow_   
_**Keonhee** : don’t try to skip it or I’ll call Hwanwoong to tie u up_

**Seoho** : am i a child or prisoner

 **_Keonhee_ ** _: :P_

***

“Keonhee said he arranged a welcoming party and you said yes? When did that happen?” Hwanwoong asks while he is spreading butter on his bread. It’s morning now and Seoho needs to go to his apartment but Hwanwoong insists him to eat breakfast first.

“I didn’t say anything. I don’t even have any idea until he told me. That kid is always doing as he pleases and nothing can stop him.” Seoho shakes his head in amusement.

Hwanwoong snickers, “But it’s a great idea to do it now. You’ll have any reason not to do a welcoming party once you get to work. I must thank Keonhee for it.” Seoho, once again, loses in argument.

“You know why I can never say no to you brats? Because you will hold it against me someday and never going to let it die.”

“Yeah, I’m aware, we’re just taking advantage of it.” Hwanwoong smiles teasingly in which Seoho returns with sighs in defeat.

“Well, thanks for the night. I need to go and pick up my car from the leasing.”

“Do you need a ride?”

“Isn’t that already implied? Of course, how else would I get there? Come on, Yeo Hwanwoong.”

The rest of the afternoon goes slowly. Seoho manages to get into his apartment and settles his belongings. He is sipping his ice tea that he picked up earlier and standing in the balcony, slowly getting used to the views of how his upcoming days would become. He doesn’t have anything to do for another five hours until the welcoming party so he decides to walk back to take a nap. He takes one last glance to the street below him when something –or rather someone, catches his attention.

 _Him_.

The figure he knows too well struts his way to the building across from his, carrying a bag of plastic in his right hand. Seoho thought that his vision is deceiving him but he already had his Lasik surgery done years ago before attending college and he never had any implications after that. So to think that he had seen wrong would be impossible. His walking figure disappears right before he wants to take a second glance.

 _Dongdaemun-gu_ , Seoho recalls Hwanwoong said that. He should’ve been aware but he brushed it off, too ignorant, thinking that he wouldn’t accidentally bump into someone he knew. But why of all the district in Seoul he has to choose this one? Is someone playing tricks on him and will come out and say “PRANK’D” the moment he realizes all of this is a joke?

Oh, how the universe hates him right now.

***

Everyone –or the four people Keonhee invited, including Hwanwoong and Dongju to be precise– is already seated at the time Seoho arrives. He feels a little ashamed of being late. Keonhee is the first to notice him and shout, “The main character of tonight is here! Finally!”

Lee Keonhee is the life of the party. He brings all the fun and liveliness within his tall and lanky body wherever he goes. Someone who doesn’t know him well might get annoyed on how loud he is but it’s one of his charms. On and off the camera, his mouth is his best feature –he said it one time.

Youngjo –one of his older friend– rushes to envelop him in a hug. Seoho already anticipates it though, knowing that Youngjo is the clingiest among all of his friends there. “Ah you’re really here. This is not the ghost of you right, you’re actually here?”

Seoho laughs, “Hyung, what the hell? I’m actually the spirit of Seoho. He’s still sleeping at home last time I checked.”

“Now, that’s how you know he’s real,” Keonhee says after finishing his turn of hugging Seoho. “How’s Korea been treating you? Any kind of reverse cultural shock since you’ve arrived?”

“For the starters it’s the driving lane. I keep wanting to swerve at the wrong lane but thankfully I have a good reflex,” Seoho jokes around.

They talk, they drink and they laugh. They share about how each other’s lives go by these past years, much like the other night with Hwanwoong. Seoho feels at ease when he’s around them and he’s really grateful for that. Despite his act of being distant, now his friends are welcoming him again. Never once they brought up the past about a certain someone until –

Seoho is the first who catches his eyes wandering from the front door.

 _There he is_. The figure that has long gone from his side, looking as mesmerizing as ever. Seoho can’t lie to save his life if he says he doesn’t miss him. He misses him. There is a speck of longing in his eyes that he knows would be obvious if the other looks deeply into it. But he notices one thing.

There is a young beautiful lady in pink dress clinging into his arms.

When their gazes meet, he feels a surge of ice creeping on his neck to his heart. It takes a couple of second for everyone at the table to notice that. He hears Dongju speaking quietly, nudging Keonhee on his side. “Hyung, did you really invite him here? What were you thinking?”

“No, I did not –okay I asked him but he didn’t reply so I thought he was busy. I would’ve picked somewhere else had I known this would happen,” Keonhee reasons.

“That’s not necessary, though. Everyone can eat at this restaurant, who cares,” Seoho tries to ease off the thickening tension.

“It looks like he doesn’t come for us, though. He went to different direction.” Hwanwoong says quietly.

Seoho releases a relieved sigh. Youngjo takes action to end the uneasiness around them. “Just go back to eat.”

Seoho excuses himself to the restroom a few moments after. He locks the door of the cubicle and stares up at the ceiling. He never thought that the second he is back to Korea he would face this situation immediately. He should’ve known the chance of bumping into him again is quite high. He feels like a fool, running off when the said person hasn’t even fully stood up in front of him again. He is a fool to just think he would be okay. He is a fool to let him make such a big effect on him.

Right, why would he let Geonhak has so much effect on him? He was the one who caused it. _He_ was the one who made Seoho broke it off. Seoho just gave him an easy option and walked out earlier so he didn’t need to save his face and apologize. Seoho did the right thing. He has no regret… does he?

Seoho gets out of the cubicle for what seems like more than five minutes. As he walks out the restroom door, a figure that’s been the reason for the whole anxiousness he feels tonight shows up before him. Like the scene on any drama, the time has stopped when their eyes meet. But it isn’t butterflies that he feels, more like thorns that suddenly going up and wrapping his body to his throat.

“Hyung…” Geonhak calls him, hesitant. “You’re here.”

The older red haired looks up to him, trying his hardest to keep his composure steady. “Oh, hey,” he laughs nervously. “Fancy seeing you here, huh?”

Geonhak blinks, as if snapping himself out to the reality. “You –you’re back. Wasn’t informed that you’d be back this year.”

Seoho gives him side smile, “Yeah, it’s really getting boring there alone. So I think going back is the last option.”

The younger holds his gaze at him, as if searching for some reassurance that he is indeed the same person as he used to know. The truth is, he is. He is still the same person, maturity wise. Time changes but he’s still his old bubbly self. The only thing that changes is that his smile is not as elated. There are more crinkles on his tired eyes. But he is still beautiful as the last time Geonhak recalls.

At first Geonhak was perplexed about seeing him at the same restaurant. Then he was upset. Geonhak isn’t really angry at him anymore, contrary to his will. But then he was caught in this moment where he doesn’t really know what to do. He was barely doing well at forgetting Seoho and now he’s here in this kind of situation.

Geonhak clears his throat. “Oh, glad that you’re safe. You seem… well.”

Seoho nods his head, “I’m good. How about you? You’re still in shape I see,” he gives the younger a teasing smile.

Geonhak fights the heat coming on his cheeks by shaking his head. _He really is the same_.

“I should go back to my table, though. Have fun with your dinner date.” Geonhak barely answers him when the red haired turns on his heel.

And just like that. No ‘see you around’ or any promises to meet again.


	2. ## 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, sorry for the delay. i don't have the best time management so here it goes.
> 
> i also added new tags and still might be in the future updates so i hope you always check it out first. thank you<3

Seoho was such a close book. No matter how bright he seems to another person, it was actually used as a shield to separate himself from anyone who came close to him. Geonhak was no exception. In the first months, he tried to get close to him, he couldn’t even ask where he lived. The older never brought it up or even asked where he lived either.

Geonhak was never the one to pry someone’s life. He’s afraid that it might scare away the one guy he’s actually interested in after many years of realizing his sexuality. But it was not the case with Youngjo. Youngjo asked –or more like dragged him to visit Seoho when he found out that he was sick. It was a good opportunity to end their agonizing pining and make them go somewhere, or so Youngjo thought.

Both of them arrived in front of Seoho’s dorm room and knocked on the door. Plastic bags filled with medicine and soup on Geonhak’s hand were actually not that heavy but his nervousness made it feel like it. He kept glancing at Youngjo when the door wasn’t opening.

“Maybe he’s not home. Let’s just go –”

The door creaked open and Seoho appeared, not looking so good with a red nose and pale complexion. He looked awful.

“Hyung –Geonhak?” Seoho couldn’t mask his surprise to see the younger there. “Why are you two here…?”

“To see how you’re doing, what else? Geonhak here nearly lost his mind knowing that you’re sick and didn’t go to class for 3 days,” Youngjo said, letting himself in Seoho’s room.

Before Geonhak could object, the sound of Seoho giggles reached his ear. “You don’t have to worry. It’s just a fever.”

“How could you say _just_ when you look this awful?” Geonhak questioned.

Seoho looked at him, feigning a little offended look. “Wow Geonhak, you’re annoying,” he said with no bite in it.

Geonhak then entered Seoho’s room to put the plastic bags he carried. The two didn’t want to stay too long because Youngjo had a class in 20 minutes. “You can stay a bit longer. Maybe Seoho does want a company but he just didn’t know how to ask.” Youngjo winked and left just like that.

Seoho snorted, taking a seat on the couch beside Geonhak. “Aish, that hyung.” Seoho looked up to Geonhak who had his mouth agape with Youngjo disappearing like that. “You didn’t have class anymore?”

Geonhak shook his head and looking at Seoho’s direction. “No.”

Silence filled in between them but not long. “You could leave too if you want. I’m okay. I get better after eating the soup you brought,” Seoho said with a small reassuring smile. Geonhak wanted to believe that it’s a hint of flirting that Seoho did.

“Are you sure you didn’t need to go to a doctor?” Geonhak hesitantly asked.

Seoho shook his head. “Actually I went to the doctor yesterday. I already feel a little bit better, I promise,” Seoho stared at the younger guy. “Were you really that worried about me?” Seoho couldn’t help but ask. A playful smirk cracked between his lips.

Geonhak looked down on his lap, purposefully not meeting Seoho’s eyes. “Um, yeah. It’s just you never ditched Mr. Heo’s class before and I thought it was weird that you did.”

Seoho’s eyes widened up in surprise. “How would you know? Maybe I just wanted to ditch because I feel like it.” Seoho let out a small laugh. Geonhak finally looked up to him and visibly relaxed.

“Next time you want to ditch class, tell me. I know someplace.”

Seoho’s eyebrow went up to his forehead. “Really? Where? Internet cafés?”

Geonhak grinned. “Ah, you caught me.”

Seoho laughed. “You and your obsession with video games, I swear.”

The younger scowled. “As if you aren’t obsessed with it too. Youngjo hyung told me he had to forcefully pick you up because you refused to go home after a day.”

“Not a day –it’s just 14 hours.” Seoho retorted.

“Same differences.” Geonhak rolled his eyes. “Anyway, if you don’t want to, we could try arcades. Or theaters… I don’t know, you pick.” Geonhak shrugged his shoulders.

Seoho hummed as if he’s contemplating his choice. “Are you sure you don’t want to ask me on a date instead?” His head tilting to the side, as if taunting Geonhak to say the word.

Geonhak’s breathing hitched. The blush on his cheeks was coming up his ears so fast he barely could hide it. It made the older one laugh at how adorably embarrassed he is. “If you want to, then…”

The shy smile on Geonhak’s lips was all it took for Seoho.

***

Geonhak doesn’t know when or how did Seoho start to stray away from him. Even until this day, a night when all the thoughts from the past come rushing back to cloud his mind, he still yet to find out where it all went wrong. He couldn’t come up with any other reason as to why Seoho stopped loving him. The closest he got to closure was that it was an inevitable fall out.

He tried asking around. But even Hwanwoong –the one whom he considered as the closest to Seoho couldn’t give any reason for Seoho’s sudden moving. He didn’t know where Seoho’s parents lived. All he knew was they were in Daejeon. No one really gave him any clue and it left him guessing, in the dark. The thoughts of maybe he was the one at fault engraved on his mind since then.

It was not easy to overcome the breakup with the first person that actually meant something –hell, he doubts that he actually has overcome it. But he just never had the choice. The universe keeps spinning even when he is torn down.

It has been a week and a day since their unexpected meeting at the restaurant, yet Geonhak still can’t get it out of his mind. He wanted to let the past be in the past but all of it seems to be in vain when the main reason for all his painful and sleepless nights came up suddenly in front of his face. He wanted to curse at him for suddenly showing up. He wanted to _hate_ him but he couldn’t. All of his efforts to stay strong are crumbling now.

The blonde-haired makes his way down to the gym. It’s still 7 in the morning, too early on the nice Saturday in August. He wants to let out some steam as well as doing his routine. And what the best way to do that other than going to the gym?

Geonhak greets the young receptionist as he pushes through the glass door. After he put his belonging in the locker, he goes straight to the treadmill to start his usual routine.

Just as he gets in front of the treadmill, he notices someone is already running on the machine right beside him. But what he witnesses before his eyes is not something he has prepared. Of course, the same red-haired whom he met a few days prior decides to show up again.

If God exists, what did Geonhak do that pissed Him off so much that He plays this trick on him? He wonders in his head.

Geonhak doesn’t have any other choice but to use the only machine left as the others are already occupied. He silently gets on the treadmill and starting at a low speed. A few minutes in, he is picking up the speed to a jogging pace. The red-haired seems to notice him now, but Geonhak doesn’t look up from where his eyes settle on the LED numbers.

Not until he hears his name is called, “Geonhak?”

He tilts his head to his left, meeting a slightly sweat-drenched man surprised face. He offers him a small smile. “Seoho hyung,” He responds curtly.

“We meet again.” Seoho smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “It’s a small world after all.”

Geonhak snorts a little. “Yeah. For someone who’s been across the world, the life here is small.” Geonhak steals a glance at the older after not hearing anything. “No offense.”

Seoho giggles. “None taken,” he says. “Just surprised that you picked the gym at the other side of the town.”

Geonhak looks straight to the outside through the glass window in front of him. “There was a good offer… so yeah.” _Lies_.

Their last encounter at the restaurant had Geonhak thinking that maybe Seoho lives nearby him. So he took the chance to be away from his neighborhood to just go to a gym. But one thing that Geonhak didn’t calculate was Seoho’s workplace.

Everything is back to square one.

“Oh, really? Such a shame I missed that opportunity. Everyone loves a little discount, yeah?” Seoho lightheartedly continues the conversation.

Geonhak realizes that Seoho is just trying to be civil with him. Like any other _mature_ person would. They don’t have to hold grudges after their breakup, nor do they have to fight. He once again feels like a fool because he gets defensive over nothing.

They both talk about a little bit of everything. Still cautious over some topics that might bring unwanted tension but so far it’s been good. Neither of them feels awkward exchanging little old inside jokes. It almost feels like the old days back then in college before they dated.

When the clock strikes a little past ten, they both call it a day. Drenching in sweat, Seoho takes off his black shirt to cool down. He takes the towel he brought and wipes his sweat with it. Geonhak who just got off from the peck deck fly stops in his trail. He doesn’t know where to look that is considered not rude, so he just looks away to anywhere as long as it’s not on –

“Geonhak, you heard me?” Geonhak’s eyes snap out from where he’s looking on the floor to meet Seoho’s concerning face. “What’s wrong?”

Geonhak shakes his head. “No –nothing. Did you say something?”

“Ah, it’s just…” Seoho tugs on his right ear –his habit when he’s nervous. “Do you want to… grab something to eat?”

His heart rate increasing upon hearing the words that come out of Seoho’s mouth. Geonhak stares at the older man for what seems like a minute. _He didn’t hear that wrong, right?_ Seoho actually asked him to spend a little more time with him.

Geonhak contemplates whether it’s a good move to face his ex after such a long time. He doubts that he can keep his demeanor in front of the older. He is afraid that he would spill out too much of himself and what has been haunting his mind because he has been always like that.

 _He wears his heart on his sleeve_.

Geonhak then gives him an apologetic smile, “I’ll pass. I have a meeting in 2 hours actually and... I don’t want to be late.”

Seoho nods in understanding as if he already expected it. “Ah, I see. Well, maybe next time?”

“Sure.”

“Uh, and Geonhak?” Seoho calls him again before they part their ways. Geonhak who’s already sliding his gym bag on his shoulder turns around to look at him.

“Hm?”

“You know that we can still be friends, right?” Seoho assures hesitantly. He sounds hopeful, Geonhak can sense it from the way he eyes him with a nervous gaze.

 _Friends_. _It almost sounds too normal_ , he bitterly thinks to himself. It should be normal to become friends with your ex but the thought of being friends with Seoho is just like a faraway idea. It never even crossed his mind until this very moment where he is standing face to face with him.

Because Geonhak was too devoted to forgetting. Forgetting that Seoho was ever a part of his life that had gotten away too quickly. Forgetting the pain that he has marked on his heart the moment he stepped out the door of their apartment. Forgetting the weeks of stressing over if he had done the wrong thing that caused the only love he knew in his 22 years of life walked out on him.

All of the things they shared for three years –that he barely managed to forget –should just be thrown away with a single word. _Friends_.

But Geonhak doesn’t have time to mull over this right now. So he only replies with,

“Yes, I know.”

He smiles and he hopes it looks sincere enough.

***

“I GOT THE ROLE!” Son Dongju shouts from the entrance of Seoho’s apartment, startling Seoho despite him standing in front of his face.

“Shit, Dongju. Would you at least knock first? You almost gave me a heart attack at a young age,” Seoho scowls at Dongju, rubbing his chest. The younger lets himself in like his own home, going straight to the kitchen to make his own drink. _This brat_.

“No! I need to shout this good news to the whole world! I have been wanting to work with this director for a long time.” Dongju continues to gush about his role deal after he settles himself on the sofa. Seoho follows him and plops himself down the chair on the side.

“So I heard.” Seoho smiles and gives him applause nonetheless. “Congratulations, though! You deserve it. Now, you go work hard and serve the best okay.”

Dongju grins at him. “Thanks, hyung. Oh, and by the way, you’re invited to the first screening.”

Seoho eyes widen, “So sudden –Dongju, you haven’t even started the script reading.”

“Yes I’m aware, but I give you an early notice so that you can prepare it, and don’t you dare miss out on this special event for me.”

Seoho ruffles the actor’s hair as he would do to a little kid. “I’ll try. Even if it intervenes with my work schedule, I will make time for you.”

“That sounds like a deal,” Dongju winks. “So how you’re doing these past few days?”

Seoho chuckles in disbelief. “You ask that after you trespassed my house and almost gave me a heart attack? Very thoughtful of you.”

Dongju clicks his tongue and rolls his eyes. “Why do I even bother, I knew you would still be an asshole.”

“I met Geonhak at the gym,” Seoho says it almost too casually that Dongju chokes on his drink.

“How – I mean, yeah how…?”

“What do you mean how? I just met him and shares a little chat. Nothing’s too personal. I think he’s still wary.” Seoho’s gaze wanders down to the floor, his face looks sullen. “I told him that we could still be friends. I don’t know why I did, though. It sounds so stupid.” Seoho brings the palm of his hand to rub on his eyes.

Dongju has the audacity to chuckle. “Yeah, that does. Who would want to be friends with their ex, I can’t relate. Of all things you could say to end your meeting, you chose the most cliché thing to say. Sounds like you.”

“Shut up.”

“How did he react? Did he spit on you?” Dongju tilts his body and puts his head on his fist leaning to the backrest of the sofa, facing Seoho.

“He just said ‘yeah sure. I know.’ But then he never gave me his number or a way to contact him.”

Dongju squints his eyes as if he is trying to infiltrate Seoho’s mind. “The real question is, what do you expect from him?”

The question makes Seoho’s whole body seems to freeze for a millisecond. He tries to come up with words but none of his brain cells seems able to conjure up words. Yeah, what did he expect from the ex he left years ago without explanation? That he would open his arms and accept him around again? It seems so unlikely knowing the fact that he didn’t even give his contact to him. Maybe he’s naïve, or maybe he’s just stupid.

“I don’t know.”

Seoho feels like he’s selfish. In a way, he _is_ selfish. He is selfish to protect himself from the things that could hurt him. He sometimes goes out of his way to decide things that aren’t only his to decide. He is selfish to think that he does this for the sake of others’. His ego sometimes takes over his mind and justifies his actions and he could do nothing to undo everything that happened.

“Am I selfish, Dongju?”

Dongju stares at the older and sighs. “You want me to be honest? Yes, you are. You walked out one day, leaving everyone clueless and expect everything would totally be normal. You’re very selfish.

But I can’t blame you. I can’t blame anyone because I didn’t know anything that happened between you two. All I know was he was as devastated as you when you left,” Dongju’s voice weakens with sympathy over his two friends as he recalls things from years ago. “He didn’t look like a person who would do it, hyung. He didn’t look like a person who would break someone’s trust.”

“As you said, you didn’t know anything. Just because he didn’t look like some cheaters doesn’t mean he wouldn’t –“

Seoho’s chest constricts. Hot tears suddenly filling his eyes, threatening to fall. It’s been years but he is still not used to it.

Dongju gets up from his seat and engulfs the older in his arms. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Please. Calm down, hyung.”

Seoho tries to subside his tears, not wanting to cry for the thousandth time over the same thing. But the tears come overflowing. The burden has piled up since the first time he saw him after he landed in Seoul. He already promised himself that he would just let go and forgive. Even though Seoho didn’t know if he deserves it.

“It would hurt me to know if he’s happy after I left but it would really kill me if he’s hurting too. Why didn’t he use this chance to find someone new and go on with his life?”

All Dongju can do is hold his hyung while he is asking the questions that none of them has answers to. He lets Seoho stay in his arms until he isn’t sobbing anymore.

“But you’re okay now. You got me, Hwanwoong, Keonhee, and Youngjo hyung,” Dongju comforts him.

Seoho wants to believe his words.

***


End file.
